fiddling with some pictures

Here is a picture of the shala that we practice in every day. It overlooks the sea. So wonderful.

Thailand, Day 7. May 26th, 2007

Where is everyone? I feel lonely today. This week has been great though. At the beginning of the week I was so sore. My whole body was feeling the pain of doing a million yoga push ups, one after another. Thursday, I just pooped out in practice. I got to a certain point and was just unable to go on. Then on friday it was like I was a totally new person. It was great. I had the best practice yet all of my soreness has subsided and i feel strong. I was able to do many of the things that the practitioners had been saying all week to do to help your practice.

I was able to get deeper into my stretches and felt really good. My breathing is getting better and I am now taking a few less breathers in between poses. I feel good about the yoga. I wish I could stay here indefinitely. I might come back at the end of the year. I want to improve my current practice a lot and it will take time before my hips are open enough to move on from what I am doing so far.

Let me explain a little about the Mysore style of Ashtanga. The main difference of this style of Yoga to other styles is the focus on vinyasa, literally the intelligent putting together of things but taken in this style of asana practice as a variant of suryanamaskara practiced between asana. The practice is a defined set of postures always done in the same order, which are combined with specific breathing patterns (ujjayi breathing). The purpose of vinyasa is to create heat in the body, which leads to purification of the body through increased circulation and sweating. It also improves flexibility, which allows the student to practice advanced asanas with reduced risk of injury (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashtanga_Vinyasa_Yoga).

And heat it does add! Wow, I sweat buckets. I feel so much better for it too. I know in the morning sometimes i just don't want to practice but by the time I get the first 5 sun salutations done I am raring to go. It is a difficult work out but I like it because it is in a pattern so I can do it by myself when I leave here eventually.

Another thing that happened this week was that I quit my job. I will not be returning again. It was prompted by some drama but I am not going to get into the details here. It just isn't worth it. I feel great about it and I am happy that I am done. free and clear from that job. I am now trying to figure out how I can stay here for the long term. I do have to leave at the end of June as I have a trip in Europe planned. But I might come back towards the end of the year. I will have to change it up a little bit and find a cheaper place to live as living here is not sustainable long term here. That is unfortunate as it is a great place, the people are kind and considerate and the food is simply fantastic. So healthy and it really tastes good. I was worried the first day but the Thai people just know how to cook. It is all totally vegetarian and totally delicious. I just love it. I probably eat too much of it.

Goals for the week: Do Yoga (that one is easy) but use the techniques they have taught more efficiently; Don't worry about the other students' pace, worry only about how well I am doing each pose; Try to perfect at least 2 poses this week; and try to do the transition between chadarangadadasana and upward dog properly, i.e. not letting my pelvis touch the ground in the transition. That might take more than a week but I am going to make a concerted effort; be happy that I am in a fantastic place with great people who, yes are yoga geeks, but it is nice to have.

I truly wish everyone could come here and experience this with me. Although, it would probably be totally different for me if I was not here alone. I do invite everyone here, with or with out me. It is great for both beginners and experts as the teachers are amazingly patient and helpful. Especially with me because I have a terrible memory and always forget where I am in the practice and have to ask over and over again.

Thailand, day 4. May 22nd, 2007

Today was much of the same. I got a bit emotional during the breath work which made breathing kind of difficult, especially because my nose was all stuffed up. I am also terribly sore. My arms are killing me right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. The hundred Chadaranga (yoga push-ups) are killing me. It is a good sore though. It will all be worth it in a few weeks when i am rock solid. OK, maybe months.

I totally recommend this place. It is Yoga Thailand, you can google it. The teachers are great all really caring and helpful. The food is actually fantastic. i have not been left wanting for anything. Even though there are limitations the food is still excellent. It is not totally vegetarian though. They still use fish sauce and there was an entrée yesterday that had some fish in it. Otherwise, all vegetarian. I want to get a cook book from them because these dishes are fantastic. I could easily become vegetarian if the food all tasted like this.

the mosquitoes are a pain in the bootie. My skin does not like the deet but there is no avoiding using it. I hate the bites too. Luckily there is no Malaria in this area, but I think there is Dengue fever. I will use the deet. Yuck.

Wishes for tomorrow: for my muscles become less sore so I can do the full practice tomorrow, my boss write me an email saying that she has found another teacher for the 2 weeks I had agreed to teach in July so I don't have to go. Don't let the little things get me so upset. It is better now but still I should look more towards the positive not the negative. Even when stupid people are involved.

Thailand, Day 3. May 21st, 2007

Thailand, Day 3. May 21st, 2007

It is day 2 of the yoga retreat. Yesterday was great. A full morning practice, starting with an hour of breathing then a one and a half hour practice. I pooped out early though, i think, because of the heat and the sheer amount of sweat that was coming off my body. That is ok though. Then we had a lovely lunch and an afternoon stretch which was more like a Hatha class anyway. Whew. Then we all had a nice leisurely dinner. It is one of the girl's birthday so we had a cake and sang happy birthday to her.

It was a peaceful day and a good start to the week.

Thailand, Koh Samui, day one May 19th, 2007

After a really long night traveling from Beijing, China to Koh Samui, Thailand I finally arrived at Yoga Thailand this morning at 7:00AM. There are only really late night flights to Thailand from Beijing so so I had no choice but to take the 9:00PM flight to Bangkok. We arrived in Bangkok at 1:30 Bangkok time. it was only a 4 hour flight and I slept pretty much the whole way. Then I arrived in bangkok and had to wait until 6:00 AM for my next flight which would take me to the island. I didn't really mind the wait and figured I would stay in the airport seeing as though I only had a couple of hours to wait. That would have been ok, I could have curled up on some bench and taken a nap. Unfortunately the airport was a total iceberg. It was totally freezing. The temperature outside was a nice 25 degrees but inside they had the AC cranked. I pulled out everything I had in my bag to put on so I could try to get a little nap before the check in counter opened at 4:00AM. To no avail, I just could not fall asleep. Plus the chairs were metal and they too were freezing cold. I finally boarded the plane and was able to thaw out a bit. thank goodness.

So it was a short one hour flight to Koh Samui, a small island off of the Southwest coast of Thailand. The Koh Samui Airport is simply awesome. It is a thatched roof, that is it, no walls, no insane safety line, just the beautiful Thai mountains in the distance and beautiful scenery to look at. Everything is so green. It is so nice to be here it is peaceful and breathtaking

There was one other fellow who was picked up at the same time as me. He came on the same flight from Beijing too. He works for the Australian Embassy in BJ. So we were both rather dizzy with fatigue. My eyes are so red right now.

After only a short drive we arrived at the "hotel". A young Thai girl explained to me about how things work. Everything here is included in the price. It is a yoga retreat so we are going to be eating a yogic diet. I think this is great but I will have to venture out and get some good spicy food in a week I am sure. It is easier to explain what isn't in the cooking then what is. No meat, at all; no garlic, as it supposedly interferes with your concentration; no onions, not sure why; no hot spices, this will be difficult for me because i love spices. So basically brown rice and vegetables. I am not really worried as the breakfast was awesome this morning. Everything tastes so good. Maybe because I am in this paradise. No smoking or drinking on the premises too but there is a bar up the road. However I have never really needed booze. I had a few drinks with Don, one of my coworkers, on Thursday and it was no biggie and actually made me feel yucky the next morning.

We live in these little bungalows. Simple rooms, clean, no TV. We eat outside and do yoga in a huge-ish room. Although I have not done yoga yet. I saw some doing it this morning. I arrived too late to partake.

I ate breakfast with a few others and then a few of us sat around chatting. It was a nice morning. I then went back to the room to take a nap the lack of sleep was finally catching up with me. I slept almost 3 hours and feel a little groggy now but we are all to meet together for the introductory pow-wow in an hour or so.

Hopefully this time in Thailand will help me clear out my internal closets. I need to move on and cleanse. A few of the other girls that I have met seem really great with happy spirits. I am sure this will lend to the cleansing atmosphere that just envelopes one here. Goals this week: be happy, enjoy this amazing place and the joy that yoga brings into my life. Eat healthy! Keep to the diet, it will only help my state of mind; Don't feel guilty about my emotions, they are natural and it is good to feel them. Start to look to the future, stop living in the past and try to leave him behind; Look to the future and what it has in store for me, embrace it and don't be afraid of being alone. This will enable me to make better decisions for me and not for other people. Start doing what is best for ME, no one else. Bring joy back into my spirit.

Massive Attack

As I was walking on the helideck, listening to my ipod shuffling through a few of my favorite songs at lunch today I discovered something quite distressing. The album that has brought me a lot of joy over the past 7 years now only brings me abject sorrow. I love Massive Attack's Mezzanine, well, loved. It was the album Marc and I listened to over and over again when we first stayed at the Green Street apartment in San Francisco. It is truly a wonderful album. The music is powerful and really mesmerizing. I have always connected certain songs with periods of my life and this album makes me remember when Marc and I were first together. Now I can't believe it is all over and whenever I listen to those songs, even the first few bars of music start to play they make me so sad.

It is ruined for me. I will never be able to listen to this album that I loved so much at one time again without feeling such powerful grief. This truly saddens me.

At least no one can ever destroy Depeche Mode for me. I can always turn back to them for solace.

I guess I still just don't understand how cruel people can be to others. I will never understand that. I know I will recover from this one day. I hope that day comes soon but it feels like it will take an eternity to understand and accept this betrayal.

On the Rig

Hi everyone wow my emotions are so crazy. I am back on the rig and the first few days were shitty. I was so homesick which is kind of funny since I don't have a home. I miss being with my family and friends and coming back to China is always hard. I did realize last month off that I need to get out of this situation and fast. I have set up this limbo zone where I don't have to move on at all really and that is just not healthy. I guess I was still hoping, subconsciously, that Marc would get over his psycho period and realize what a terrible mistake he has made. He has not realized and is so totally self absorbed that he never will. Whatever! I guess I am done with that however reluctantly.

I told my boss I was done too and will finish this contract soon. I am also organizing a trip to Thailand, where I have wanted to go for a while. The first 10 days will be at a Yoga retreat. I can't wait even though it is going to be terribly hot. It should be fun and then after, I am not totally sure. I am flying into Bangkok then directly to Ko Samui which is an island off the Southwest coast. I have not decided where to go after the yoga retreat. I am told and have been reading that the island is really fun with lots or rave like parties and fantastic beaches. So I might just stay there and then spend the last few days in Bangkok checking that out. I hear that the city is really cool and a must see. So I will do that at the end of the trip. I am really looking forward to it.

I had a total melt down in Seattle while I was there. I had to deal with a woman who might possibly be evil incarnate. So the Motorcycle trip got scrapped. I headed down to Las Vegas to hang with Terri and fam. It was good. I still feel like I am trying to find myself. I tried out a few yoga studios one was a Korean style yoga which was good but not really what I was looking for. I then found another place that was simply fantastic.

To me Las Vegas has always been a terribly depressing place. So many people go there with hopes and dreams that they will get rich, so many have terrible gambling and alcohol problems losing everything and living a very pathetic existence. However, this trip I was more of a local and not a tourist. So I did not even go to the Strip (I actually rarely go there anyway). I sought out another Yoga studio and actually found that there are a lot of genuine people in Las Vegas, and the Yoga was really genuine. I was afraid of a hollow practice where the instructors really didn't get the connection of the earth, universe and body through your exercise. Actually, in China that is how the Chinese teachers are. They don't understand the spirituality that goes along with yoga, the healing and cleansing power. They know the mechanics well but don't understand the process. That is why Marc and I always preferred the classes with the Indian teachers. Anyway, I felt that the teachers in Vegas were going to be the same. I was totally wrong. I took 5 different classes, all at varying levels, with 4 different teachers, I found a place where I felt comfortable and content. Even though I got teary after most of my classes as yoga, for me, forces one to look inside of yourself and evaluate, analyze and purify. The tears were actually cleansing.

I also made some connections with some of the people at the studio teachers and students alike. I found a place, if only for a short time. I was so sad to leave. That is why I am really considering moving there. It is in the same city as my best friend and we have never lived in the same city. It is near my family who I feel I need a lot right now even though I drive them crazy and they drive me crazy. I love them. I miss my sisters and I feel that I could be a great influence on their lives if I am nearer to them. I can also help my parents out a bit more with them. I will talk more of my plans for the future later as they are still changing. I at least know that I want to go back if only for a year or so. Marc has taken so much from we I need to refuel.

I then went to San Diego and had a great few days. It was not enough time. My dad took me to a baseball game, like old times except the Padres have a new stadium and they won. So it was a great night all around. Then I had the girls for a day because it was my parent's 45th wedding anniversary. I wanted them to have some alone time. They had fun and so did we. We made a bouquet of flowers out of cut out hand prints and pipe cleaners. It was really fun and they turned out really cute. I don't have a picture to post. I will have to get one from my dad and put it up later. Thanks to Terri it was her idea, the arts and crafts queen. Then the three of us walked to the park and played for a few hours. I realized that Hayley is fearless, which is frightening, she was all ready to slide down this really tall pole by herself. Scared the crap out of me. But I was able to get her to change her mind and stick to the lower parts of the jungle gym. Mak was great and wore herself out. We had a great day. It was funny because my dad had said the day before that he didn't think I could handle them. I told him he was underestimating me. I was fine and we had a great time.

Then we went to Disneyland and had a great day. I have not been there in a really long time and it was fun. Then my parents went home and I stayed in Anaheim because I was flying out from LAX on Monday night to come back to China. The tickets we bought enabled us to go to California Adventure Park, the second park in the Disney complex, the next day for free. So my brother, Darrell, drove up and we went together on Monday. I had never been to that park. They has some cool stuff. It focuses more on adults with a few kids things. The food was way better there and My brother and I had an awesome lunch at the "winery". A nice bottle of wine to accompany lunch. It was a good day.

There was one ride that is designed around Twilight Zone (the old Rod Serling hosted TV show). I had no idea what to expect. It is an elevator that takes you up and then drops you. Scared the shit out of me as the drop is in the dark and I had no idea they would drop us so violently because we only had small seat belts on. It was great. I think I must have bruised Darrell's leg because I couldn't find the Oh Shit handles and his leg was the only thing I could find in the dark. It was really funny.

It was Monday after spring break and the park was pretty empty so we finished and headed to Disney town for a drink and a bit of shopping before he took me to the Airport. It was fun. Our trip to the airport was difficult as I thought that it was on I-5 when in fact, it is on 405. OOOPs. SO we got a great tour of LA. I got on the plane with no trouble and back to China.

When I returned I packed up the remaining stuff I had a t Marc's apartment and I am out. It was kind of sad, actually really sad. It also didn't help that some bimbo girl came to the door looking for him. That was hard and hurtful but what else can I expect. Later I got a call from a very good friend that I had met in the south when i was doing my safety training for the rig. He was in Beijing for the night and wanted to hang out. It was a great night. I took him to Tienanmen Square and to Wang Fu Jing (a lively shopping street). He convinced me to do this bungie thing where you are strapped into a ball in the middle and the bungies are stretched out really far then the ball is let go and you fly really high into the air. That part didn't scare me it was when we cam back down because the ball shifts and you face the ground whild you are falling. I was so scared but it was totally worth it. We bought the video of us screaming and ha said he would make a copy for me. I will post it if I can in the future. It was insane. We then went to a really cool middle eastern food restaurant. He is Iraqi so he knew all the best food to order. I wasn't really hungry because I was totally jet lagged and I always lose my appetite. But we drank a bunch. We then headed to a dance club and got down. It has been so long since I have danced with a guy that actually has some rhythm. It was so much fun. I didn't actually get back to the hotel until nearly 3 and then was up at 6 again to go to work. Oh well, I can sleep when I am dead.

That brings me sort of up to date. See you soon.